Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 175.1
Location: Bajor

We have a new assignment. We are traveling to a place called Facility 4028, a secret prison in the Briar Patch. I have grave reservations about the assignment but if it will end the stand off at DS9, then the risk is worth it. I wonder if I shall run into Bishop or Eve in the prison. I also wonder what I shall do if I do find them there.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 175.2
Location: Brier Patch

Arriving in the Brier Patch is a real mess for sensors but we navigated the dangers and arrived at Facility 4028. I beamed down with our new doctor and Lt Latara. Following us down was Weyoun and a bunch of Jem’Hadar. I spoke with the warden and got our clearances to fetch the prisoner. The Founder was being held deep in the facility and we had to actually go get her. Discovering the prison was a corporate run facility and that all of the staff was holograms, was both exciting and disturbing.

After getting the founder we began to walk back through the maze of corridors and security doors. Then the power went out. Lights came on moments later. I used my tricorder and detected a bunch of strange energies and particles that made no sense. We heard an explosion. We continued until we found our way blocked by a cave in. I used a terminal to get a layout and found an alternate route. As we traversed the new path we got attacked by a space monkey. I call it a space monkey because t looked like a four foot tall spider monkey. It broke Latara’s neck. Thank the gods that we had a good doctor with us. I shot the thing and we moved on. Weyoun was bitching up a storm.

When we arrived at the next cell block we found a dozen monkeys attacks a small group of inmates. We came to the rescue of the inmates and lost one of the Jem’Hadar. I broke my arm which really hurt.

The inmates were all known to me. I find the probability of running into this many coincidences to be beyond belief. One was Walker, another Bishop and his tentacled friend. The last one was Admiral Quinn. I talked with Quinn and he didn’t know me. Now my conspiracy brain kicked in and I took a chance. I armed the lot of them and we moved on.

Several battles later I had the station back on line and we left with the prisoners. I had a lot of explaining to do with the captain.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 175.3
Location: Deep Space

We are now en-route to Star-base One, Earth Star Port. Assuming that the Quinn we have with us is the real one, then the Admiral Quinn back at the base is an impostor. I have a plan to take him out and it looks like the admiral is on board. Crazy times.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 175.4
Location: Earth

The plan was simple. We would transfer some prisoners, like the three I just took from that prison, and they would escape. During the distraction, me and the doc would beam in near the admiral’s quarters. We would use his code and enter and lay a trap. The plan worked too good. We got in but then had to wait hours for the Admiral to come home. When he did we hit him with Anesthestine Gas. It just pissed him off. He turned into a three legged alien and started beating the crap out of the doc. I shot him and he just got angrier. I shot him again and he went down. We beamed out. The aftermath was a real mess but Admiral Quinn is back in charge and the alien in prison. The alien turned out to be Species 8472 or as the doc called it, an Undine. I never heard of this one so now I got to read up.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 174.1
Location: Bajor
I am not exactly happy with the current mission and I keep asking myself why I volunteered. We, I mean myself, Kyron and a Klingon named Qu’ranah, shall be taking a Runabout through the Bajoran Wormhole to seek a diplomatic meeting with the Dominion. Did I mention that DS9 is surrounded by a Dominion fleet and that a combined fleet of Federation, Romulan, and Klingon ships shall provide the distraction for us. So yeah, we are flying a small, virtually useless ship, into a battle and hoping we go unnoticed. I am so thrilled.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 174.2
Location: Bajor
Complications arise from the most unexpected places. I am sitting in the infirmary with a knife wound. I had gone to a bar to pick up Qu’ranah when a riot broke out and a little Klingon bitch stuck me with a knife. Now I need to convince the Admiral that I am well enough to do the mission. I would play dead to get out of it but that would be the end of my career.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 174.3
Location: Delta Quadrant
Getting through the battle was less difficult that I had expected. We only got shot once and though the ship took some damage we zipped through the wormhole and were in the Delta Quadrant. Following the flight path we were given we found a system with a lot of debris. It looked like a planet had blown itself to bits. We searched for a time and found our contact. A Ferengi D’kora sat inside of a piece of planetary debris. It was damaged and we made contact with its captain. A Ferengi heretic was looking back at us through our view screen. She was clothed like a human woman. Disgusting.

Her name was Fenexa and she wanted us to help with repairs. She needed a part. In exchange for our aid she promised to take us to the Dominion. I was very skeptical. Still we did the work. We searched the system and found some destroyed ships. Then we salvaged the parts we needed and returned. Kyron noted hundreds of small fighters and avoided contact.

When we got back I beamed over to Fenexa’s ship with the parts. I engaged the Female with negotiations. Soon enough I had her in the bedroom and conquered her in every way. She was pathetic as all females are. I love Ferengi women for this purpose. They recognize that they are inferior and do everything to prove that they should be allowed to be yours. When I was done with her, I passed out. I awoke later and found myself in chains with a huge vibrating butt plug up my ass. I was outraged but alone in the room. I could feel the ship was underway.

I squirmed and worked a hand free as two Ferengi males entered the room with Neural Whips. I yanked out the butt plug and threw it at one of them. It hit him in the mouth and he fell screaming. I freed my other hand as the other one shot me with a Neural Pulse. In his excitement, he missed. I freed a leg as he fired again. This one hit me and I nearly passed out. I faked a collapse and freed my other leg.. He came closer and I head butted him. Them I took the whip and shot both Ferengi multiple times.

I was angry as all hell. I began the ascent to the bridge, shooting anyone who got in my way. As I arrived on the bridge I saw that Fenexa was just opening communications with a bunch of Dominion assholes. I shot a Neural Pulse at her and she dove to the floor and cowered. I then negotiated with the Dominion but the cut communications. I told Fenexa that the ship was mine and she agreed. I was feeling really good. Kyron and Kerana then popped up on the communications screen. They were naked. I was naked. What the hell was going on? I discovered later that while I was conquering Fenexa, Kyron was doing the same with Qu’ranah. Females everywhere are so predictable. One strong male and they are a quivering submissive mess.

To make the story short, we worked out a deal for Dominion aid. All we had to do now was get back to Bajor and convince Starfleet to release a war criminal. I love my job.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 173.1
Location: Drozana Station

Waiting for repairs is boring stuff. So I took my free time seriously and worked out a deal with the station managers. We would repair the lighting on the station and the replicators. In exchange we got 10000 slips of latinum. I convinced Kyron to do the work and I raked in the money. After a short while the station was operational and I got paid. I split the cash with Kryon after taking a small finders fee to cover my end of the deal.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 173.2
Location: Cait

Orders came in an we were heading to Cait. Looks like war is going to suck us in. We arrived to discover that the Tholians had annexed the system. The captain initiated negotiations and the Tholians said they would send an Ambassador over. The XO took S’rell down to help out in engineering. As this was currently a diplomatic action, I agreed with the idea. We certainly didnt; need S’rell on tactical.

S’rell noticed something odd down in engineering so I did a sensor sweep. Our shields fluxuated at the same time as an odd energy burst came from a Tholian ship. Something seemed and I nailed down the transmission to deck four. I sent security and they reported back that they were taking fire. Then all hell broke out on the ship. That fracking XO was a traitor. He had barricaded himself in the deflector dish control room. He also had shot several of my crew. I send in S’rell and told her to deal with it. She did. In no time she had the XO subdued and discovered his bomb too.
Now things got interesting. We had a bomb on board and it was ticking down. It was not safe to move. I sent in Kyron and he started working on it with S’rell. With only a second left on the timer, they stopped it. Then the Tholians attacked. The battle was intense and we lost one of the Mirandas but in the end, we won. I am now ready for a long bath with a few Dabo girls.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 172.1
Location: Deep Space
Its been a few hours since Starfleet Intelligence stole our passengers. I am still pissed. Luckily I was smart enough to back up the data before they could grab it. I have star charts, system specs on the alien ship, and more. I was considering what to do with said data when my communicator chirped. I answered and was greeted by a female voice that asked me to join a conspiracy. I of course jumped at the chance. She wanted me to help her out by telling her where the SFI ship went. I agreed. Looking back on this decision, I think I may have been riding my emotions.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 172.2
Location: Deep Space
The SFI ship is heading towards the Briar Patch where rumor has it, SFI has a secret prison. I passed this onto the mystery voice and then went back to my own business. An hour later I am called to the bridge as the ship went to yellow alert. Apparently the ship was plotting a course on its own. We tried to stop it and the warp core went off line.

I was feeling a bit of a panic as I realized what was happening. The rest of the crew was in a near panic state as they didn’t have a clue. I contacted Mystery Voice and was proven correct. Our systems had been taken over by an AI. Her name is EVE.

So now began the negotiations as EVE was holding the ship hostage and making some really fucked up threats. Some hours later we had a deal. EVE is now a part of our crew and she will not interfere with shipboard operations. In exchange, well I don’t know what the captain promised.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 172.3
Location: Drozana Station
So we ended up at Drozana for repairs and I was placed in charge of negotiating with the station operators. Them being Ferengi, the Captain must have figured I would get us the best deal. So I did as ordered and made sure to get a little extra from the station for me. I love this job.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 171.1
Location: K-7
The station and our ship are nearly repaired. I suspect that we shall have the Hurricane ready for service in a couple of days. Speaking with some of the crew I have heard many rumors as to what Starfleet Intelligence is up to and it has me wondering a few things. For one, what the hell is up with all of these new aliens in a well explored region of space? Another, why is Walker being held back on the station while his team is off doing whatever mercenaries do? and Three, why haven’t we investigated the place that the blue meanies were first encountered by the Klingons? Too many questions and no real answers.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 171.2
Location: Klingon/Federation border
I presented a plan to the Captain and she agreed. So we were off exploring the region of space where the Blue Meanies were first encountered. While scanning the area I discovered an anomaly. It was there then it seemed gone. I increased the spectrum of the scan and was picking up an exceptional number of rare particles. The XO suggested sending a probe and we did. It disappeared. Seriously! It just vanished. I mulled over the problem and came up with an idea of tethering two probes with a cable. We did so and sent one to the spot that the first probe vanished from. A wormhole opened and I detected two ships coming right at us. We barely had time to react and one of the ships slammed into us and bounced off. The wormhole closed and the other ship must have been trapped inside. Our probes were nowhere to be seen.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 171.3
Location: Klingon/Federation border
Its been almost a day since the collision. On the rogue vessel we discovered an automated ship carrying two passengers. A human from the late 20th century and a female of unknown origin. They claimed to be bounty hunters but alot of their story is suspect. After speaking with them at length I believe they are from an alternate universe and somewhere in the Alpha quadrant of that universe. I am working with my team to figure out exactly where.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 171.4
Location: Klingon/Federation border
Starfleet intelligence just stole our passengers. I am having difficulty understanding how or why. They took the derelict ship, our passengers, and all of our data gained on the mission. They even made me sign a NDA. I am really pissed.

Hello Loggybook. Me not so happy today. Me sad. Me see blue eyed green meanie man run through force field. Me not sure if me is in holodeck or real world. Me was sleeping on hard bed. He had tummy ache and went to see the doc and the stupid crusty shell was on one bed and the blue eyed green meany was in other bed. Me not sure why me was in ‘spital with bad people. Me thinks DomPoint was looking at me. The DomPoint was saying medical stuff but she not look happy or sad. She was a no mo spongehead. Me not like her. Me want to make her go poof but me leave rupter somewhere. Me think DomPoint should go poof and then BOOM!!!! Everything shake and rock and sizzle. Me smell blood and hear screams. Blue Eye Green Meanie starts to glow and walk right through force field. Me wonder if me mind make boom. The Boom again. Me so powerful. Me just think Boom and Boom happens. Me better stop thinking boom now. Me gets up and look for crew.

Me crew deal with bumpy heads and get all kind of sweet red juice. Me likes red juice. It make me teeth hurt and me head get fuzzy. Me wake in ‘spital. Me tell ‘spital story already and me want rupter.
Mantis and Unibrow come in and beat up the DomPoint. Me want to make her go poof but Unibrow say, “She’s a doctor, she helps people.” Me tell Unibrow to take me back to Temper Ship. We take Tempership to Deep Space 9. Me hear it go boom when me think boom. Me now sure what boomthinking means. Me need Bossy to splain.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 170.1
Location: K-7

Back on K-7 and we got a break. A bunch of the crew and I were in the bar drinking with some of the mercenaries. The mercs told big tales of first contact, strange aliens, and other BS that was hardly worth listening too. The we got word of the Dominion assault on DS9. While discussing what this meant for all of us, a huge explosion rocked the station. I ordered the crew back to duty stations as the red alert was sounded. Back on the bridge I scanned the station to find more explosives. Another one detonated. Then I found the third and beamed it deep into space. It was at this moment that I had a bad feeling and followed a hunch. I scanned for unknown life forms on the station and found one moving through the jeffreys tubes. S’rell agreed that I should beam it into a holding cell on our ship. I did as directed. All seemed to be getting better when the Hurricane rocked as power drains and fluctuations hit us. We were getting damage reports from all over the ship. The crew did what they needed to and resolved the problem and I felt a bit useless as it went down. Apparently the alien escaped the brig, infected about fifteen crew members and nearly destroyed our vessel. If not for engineering and security working together, we would have been lost.
During the debriefing it was revealed that the alien was the Orion we had captured on that Klingon ship a few days earlier. He was infected with some kind of energy parasite. We turned him over to Starfleet intelligence on K-7 and he escaped. Then we beamed him to our ship and the havok was devastating. Well, repairs are underway. I guess I will have to start reading my new Padd and if time allows, try to pick up a holorecorder.

…I can hear them, moving, slithering through the accessways. They’ve infiltrated the ship, and then the crew! We fought them, it, I can no longer be certain! If only we hadn’t taken that… Wait!

Where’s my weapon? I need my weapon, they’re out there, I hear them.

Here it is, charged and ready, waiting form me, like a good soldier. I was a good soldier, once, like mist of the crew. They’re gone now, taken, by those things!

They’re closer, I need to strike, now, while surprise is on my side!

Got one on them, but there are two more! Oh god, they have phasers! I’ll die before they take me, I swear it! Another shot – missed! Fuck it, I’ll just… shit, what’s happening? My weapon is overloading! At least it’ll be over soon!

Fuck, I have to run! One of them managed to get my weapon! Run NOW! If I can get to the engine room I can finish it all. Shit! They’re still firing… almost there…

Where am I? Why can’t I move? Wait, calm down, look and see. I’m in medical, but I’m strapped down. Take my time and get out of this… there, one arm’s free.

What in all the hells was that? Oh gods, they’re here now! I can see them, it… coming from the duct! Gotta escape NOW! Shit! Shit!

No! NO! Get off of me! Oh GOD, NO I don’t…

The Final Moments of an Orion Pirate

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 169.1
Location: Frontier

Patrolling the frontier is quite boring. I am serving on this ship with a female from Risa serving as the captain. You would think with Risan credentials, that she would be a blast. No. Instead I am on a ship with a wet blanket that is not very fun at all. Most of the bridge crew is not bad. We got the alluring Tivna as our intelligence officer. I am not sure what to think with her but she really intrigues me. Ronin is on Helm. This guy is fun. He just needs guidance and I shall be the one to give him the nudge when needed. Our security chief, S’rull, is a pain in the ass but I do like her.
While working my station I was bored and imagining Klingon battle ships engaging us when my sensors pinged a klingon ship. I almost thought it was my imagination. A dead ship floating in space. We investigated and discovered the ship was completely powered down and only life support was operational. We beamed over some of the crew and they encountered an insane Orion who shot the XO and nearly killed her. Kryon was on the away team and took over. S’rull captured the Orion while Kyron dealt with the engineering issues of the ship. Low and behold he found an alien artifact. it was pretty cool and I wanted to play with it but never got the chance.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 169.2
Location: Tholian Space

We responded to a distress signal in Tholian space and discovered a Demon Class planet that was surrounded by quantum bubbles. The bubbles were emitting massive amounts of chronoton and tardyon particles. Following my advice the captain put me in charge of an away team. I took my buddy Kyron and a small security team. We navigated a shuttle through the bubbles and landed near the distress beacon. This is where things got a little weird. We discovered a ship from the year 2489. The crew of the ship was open to conversation and seemed very appreciative of our help. That is until I asked to use their holodeck to do some modeling and predictive planning. They cited the Temporal Prime Directive. Now everyone knows that I argued diligently against this directive in the academy but those arguments meant little here.

So we had to figure out how to free these people from the future while not destroying the planet and of course, getting ourselves home. My genius shined through and I worked up a plan. It was risky and if it failed, I suspect we would have blow the whole planet to dust. As the temporal bubbles began to fade we made our way back to our shuttle. I saw someone’s padd sitting on a table and picked it up. Our lovely S’rull saw me do it and swatted my hand. I picked it back up and protested that it was mine. After a heated argument, she seemed to take my word for it and we got off the shuttle. Our argument almost cost us the mission. We made it back to our shuttle with only second to spare.

Suddenly we were surrounded by Tholian ships and had to high tail it out of the system.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 168.1
Location: K-7
Our new ship is in Stardock and preparing for launch. It seems that the ship has alot of female officers, something I truly don’t understand in Starfleet. Still, I do my job and work within the rules as they are presented. We parted with Walker who is now off to Drozana Station. He is going to work for a contractor named JumpCorp. His final words to us were a bid for us to come join him and get rich.

Commander Bahb’s Log
Entry 168.2
Location: The Klingon Neutral Zone
While performing standard tests of shipboard systems we picked up a distress signal from a Starfleet Cargo ship, the USS Yorkshire. We plotted a course and discovered two Talarian ships using Tetryon weapons. We disabled the ships and began an investigation. The Talarians apparently have made a deal with the Tholians that is now giving them access to advanced weaponry and shields. I suspect that we will be seeing much more trouble with the Talarians as a result of this deal.

During the post operation repairs I noticed a rather large vessel materialize at extreme sensor range. I attempted to engage the ship via a simple hello transmission. Unfortunately with the damage to the Yorkshire’s systems, my narrow beam transmission became a 720 degree blast. The ship vanished through a wormhole or possibly folded space. I quickly analyzed the distant star field and think that I have narrowed down the location of where they went. It appears to be well beyond Cardassia. I am most intrigued.